So since Covid19 – it came around obviously life has changed quite a lot for everyone I thought when it all started this is going to be a massive opportunity for me to get loads of writing done and be really productive get my life together type thing, that has happened but not exactly how I wanted it to in the sense of taking care of myself, I’ve started running um I go to the gym a lot more and I’m a bit more conscious with water and eating – I am now because I’m seeing results so yeah that’s a definite hobby.
One of the main things that I’ve been trying to focus on is why I’ve kind of had this big holes in my writing, worrying and pre-Covid I was a bit of a machine I was doing my blog posts in bulk, programming them getting them ready to go I was using tweet deck so my Twitter was constantly interacting with people, I was editing chapters left right and centre and that’s just been on pause for about 3 months now.
Last week I picked up my book and read it from start to finish and I’m going to be honest I’ve got to about chapter 18 and I forgot that it was actually what I had written and I found myself really enjoying it when I got to the end which I haven’t finished it yet but when I got to the end of what I’ve done I was really disappointed because I was like I wasn’t ready for it finish so I ignited the passion in myself again and immediately of wanted start writing again, but the only reason why haven’t is because I at the minute need to plan things.
I’ve got really bad OCD and I don’t start things until I am ready to plan it’s like when I’ve got going on holiday act to make a list, I’ve not done a list for a book yet and I’ve not found the right notepad for that I’ve got about 10 note pads – none of them are right I’m waiting for the right notepad to land on me and then boom I will crack on!
There’s a lot of other productive things that I’ve wanted to get on with dropping quarantine for my personal growth one of the other things I’ve started as a hobby again was drawing I’ve always loved drawing and being creative making things up cycling furniture things like that, and I felt like I’ve lost a bit of that but I’m slowly getting it back!
I’ve done a couple of drawings they are on my Instagram and I feel like I’m finding myself again, but some of the things that I have been doing to help my personal growth through quarantine which I’ve slowed down a lot because I’ve had a lot more time to reflect thanks to these books I was reading and I’ve been reading a lot of things like Ikigai, Josh Connelly recommended that to me that’s an amazing book,
again I’ve scribbled all over it, I need to I need a notepad when I’m reading that book because I’m constantly writing things down, I’ve been watching a lot of manifestation videos & have read the secret again, I’ve been printing affirmation quotes and things that stick in the mind over the walls just trying to be an overall more positive person which is harder than you think really!
I decided that I would do a blog post day on some of the things that I have been focusing on to help me with my personal growth so here it goes!
- One of the things that I focus on first was what do I need more of in my life during quarantine, one of the things that I felt like I needed more of was things for me like hobbies and qualities about myself that I pushed us up to the side because of my job, because of home live, because of stress etc anxiety, money restraints and anything like that – So what do I need more of? Things I enjoy? So writing? that went on pause so I did a bit more drawing, I focused on me then I wanted my body to look better so I started going to the gym more, working out running I wanted to feel healthy because obviously during the time of covid, all you hear about is if you’re unfit your more vulnerable I didn’t want to be more vulnerable, I already feel vulnerable so I wasn’t having that!
i wanted more me time only more quality time with myself and yeah I’ve created really healthy boundaries now with taking time out from my day to day life to go running and going to the gym and just switch off and focus on me for a bit and it has done me the world of Good – however I do need to find more balance between working out and writing!
- The second thing I’d like to talk about is things that I need to let go off so um things that I needed to let go of with binge eating I’ve got really bad habit of if I’m feeling like **** I’m having a depressive episode for those that know me I’ve got bipolar since 14 when I’m in a depressive episode my favourite thing to say is “I don’t feel very well I’m going to sleep” I can sleep for a few hours, days – when I want to get up I will be the most lazy unresponsive person ever I can be quite rude when I’m not feeling it and all I want to do is eat shit I will literally buy all of my favourite food and Gorge myself on it, and then as I’m coming out with this depressive episode which I literally recognise this after I’ve done the binge eating usually –
I forced myself to snap out of it by having a fasting day, going to the gym drinking lots of water and reading some positive affirmation books to get myself back on track again with where I am I allow myself these days because over the years I’ve got progressively better when I first started struggling with depression at 14 this would last for weeks and I couldn’t snap out of it and I’d feel ill the time and I’d get into really bad habit,
so if I feel like I need a couple of days to reset ,I allow myself that because I’m human at the end of the day – I cope really well with my bipolar at the minute and I’m lucky that I don’t get really really low *touchwood* anymore so when I have bad days just like anyone else I just roll with it go with it and then you know shake it off the day after crack on um so yeah I stopped giving myself such a hard time and try to let go more when I have things like that happen!
- I decided to look at some of the things that I believe in and some of the constraints I assign myself that probably holding me back and causing me harm so things like that were – I can afford to go to the gym, it’s a lot of money coz the gym I want to go to is pretty expensive but it’s really nice but if I go, I know that I’ll let myself down I won’t go enough so at the beginning of quarantine I said – stop it stop restraining yourself if you say you’re not going to do something you’re not going to do!
Start thinking positively! I stopped getting myself into the mindset of I’m not joining the gym because I can’t afford it and I won’t go and started saying I can’t afford the gym I’m joining the gym and I am going to go and since I’ve joined I’ve been near enough everyday I’ve just had a week off as I’ve been on holiday, but yeah I’m not going to give myself a hard time about that as long as I’m going at least four times a week you know I’m not I’m not restraining myself!
Another thing was I had quite a turbulent time at work at the beginning of quarantine where I had to change Department unexpectedly, and I again internalised the incident and was blaming myself and thinking that I wasn’t good enough and I just had enough I was such an unconfident person at work, and it was because I was letting my feelings be placed in the hands of all the people – and these are the people I liked and respected but I wouldn’t necessarily go to them for advice? and I’ve seen a saying before where if you’re going to go to someone for advice you know chances are you trust their opinion these are not people that I would turn to for advice, these are not people that I would confide in so why was I letting what they were saying about me I knew deep down wasn’t true affect me in such a bad way so at work?
One of the main things I’ve tried not to constrain me is stop playing other people’s opinions affect me so much – I’m good at my job if I wasn’t good at my job I have a job?
I’ve been reassured many times and I need to stop being needy – get your confidence or accept that sometimes you will make mistakes it’s life, you’re an adult you’re 30 years old and if also if someone talks down to you at 30 years old because you happened to be a happy and bubbly bright person and you don’t necessarily act your age in terms of their expectations – don’t let them you can be good at your job and at the same time – people think sometimes if you’re not straight edged and boring that you’re incapable and that you’re a liability, that’s not true I’m good at my job but I also like a lot of banter? (ha ha ha banterrr (tiktok reference I’m sorry) as well I think that’s also because of my depression my sense of humour is a defence mechanism, and I find it really important to make people laugh and make people smile, that’s just something that I enjoy.
One of my ikigai qualities is so I’ve read from the book is helping other people and I find that my strongest way of doing that is by making people laugh so by all means refer to me as the funny one but by no means think that that means I’m not good at my job!
- Number four – making lists of things that I’m grateful for on a day to day basis if I start thinking negatively I will get my pen and I will start writing about things that have gone well for me today,
I am not about the whole all “that’s two things another thing bad is going to happen because 3 bad things always happen” coming into work and spilling coffee “well that’s it that’s how my day is going to go”
Or coming into work and saying “you know I’m already to go home”
I’m not about that energy if you start like that that’s how you mean to go on and you’re choosing to feel that way, that’s not me I want to be positive so yeah make a list of 10 things you’re grateful for that’s my advice!
5.
Number 5, I would list or I’d say 10 things I’m positive about so 10 things that make me happy right now so at the minute is that I’m getting back into drawing, I feel like I’m in good shape I’m looking after myself better, my family is well, touchwood no one directly to me has been affected by Covid.
Things like this you just need to be aware of your surroundings and realise that you have a lot more around you to be grateful for than what you realise, I’m a very internally pessimistic person and although everyone thinks I’m happy all the time inside I feel like a fake if anyone’s listened to NF’S music, he’s a rapper from America his lyrics are amazing about how a lot of people that struggle with depression, feel fake because they’re so happy all the time on the external side of them and inside they feel like they’re faking it.
I do feel like that I’ve accepted that that’s part of my illness it’s not going to change I don’t think and some of the things when I feel genuinely happy and elated where nothing even comes close to it is when I’m with animals random don’t know why that’s my happiness!
- Five ways that I can go out of my comfort zone this year one of them was obviously joining the gym, I had the whole guilt thing about paying for it and not going I’ve done that that’s one thing out the way.
My second sitting was getting aesthetically tweaked I’m 30 now I had constantly been made to feel guilty about wanting things, like that you are constantly told you – don’t need it you don’t need it, you don’t need it – well do you know well I want it! It’s for me it’s going to make me feel better I work hard to earn more money and I deserve it that’s what I’m going with and that’s how I’m justifying it!
So that was two things that I did, the third thing that I can get out of my comfort zone was to go to gym classes they haven’t started back it obviously because of Covid, but they are starting next week, I’ve signed on to start doing hit twice a week I’m really looking forward to doing that!
I’ve never done it before on my own and I’m looking forward to seeing results so yeah that’s something that’s taken out my comfort zone!
Another thing out of my comfort zone with swimming and we’re terrible swimmer I’ve got no coordination as soon as I’m in deep water panic, Luckily the gym that I go there pool doesn’t have a deep end so I knew that I could quite comfortably do lengths in the pool and not drown, so I went on my own I’ve never done that before I’ve never gotten swimming on my own before and I’ve really enjoyed it!
I’ve got an Apple Watch anyone that can help me with any tips or tricks with my Apple Watch would be amazing – so hopefully when I go swimming I can start recording on their my lengths and things but yeah that was that was the 4th thing to Take Me Out of my comfort zone!
The fifth thing was piercings I wanted more piercings, piercing places got closed because of covid and I decided – and I do not advise this in anyway shape or form to get a piercing gun and I pierced my ears a few times I wouldn’t recommend it immediately felt brave after I’ve done it relies it wasn’t that bad I didn’t need to pass out and now I do want more piercings on my nose piercing I want it pierced at the top of my ear but I obviously I’m not qualified to do that and that’s a bit more of a sketchy place so I’m going to do that I’m going to go and get that done by professional, but yeah that was my five things that you know I wanted to do that take you know to Take Me Out of my comfort zone.
- list 7 things that you got good at – so seven things I’m good at drawing, writing, helping people, holding space – that was something that Josh taught me!
I like reading an analysing, keeping active these are things that I’m good at things that you were good at can change – this objective to what you’re interested in at the time that’s me for now!
Things like this I don’t think people realise the randomest things that you do as some of your skill set like being a good listener that is a skill you know you have to be it takes a certain type of person to be able to really really listen to someone and take it in, so yeah just get a pen on a piece of paper things that things!
I’m telling you to write that will genuinely help you especially when you’ve got them in clear concise lists, and you realise that you are achieving quite a lot!
- If money wasn’t an issue what would my ideal life be this was an interesting one that I wrote in my diary, one day I will do a blog post on this but honestly get a notepad in a pen and in in your head pretend that you’ve got unlimited money when you got unlimited money what would you do with it and honestly once you put pen to paper the things that you will start writing down will not be what you’ve expected and you will realise a lot of what you want is very achievable unless you want to like go to Mars or have a desert island to be on your own coz those are some of the things that came to my mind at first but once you get into it you’ll be fine!
You’ll realise – like bring it down a notch!
- Motivations to keep on going this is something that I struggle with because I’m a right pessimist again I’m a closet pessimist people think I’m really happy all the time that’s not the case, things to keep me going so things that I focus on in a day to day basis that keep me motivated are – results from the gym I like looking good, I like feeling good, I’m a Libra I’m allowed to be vain- yes I’m into star signs don’t judge me!
Getting back into size 8 clothes I’ve been a size 8 for about two or three years now I am again and I love it and I don’t care what people think I’m not going to be skinny shamed I’m naturally slender so I’m lucky anyway but to be back into my size 8 clothes! I’m happy I’m comfortable.
Other things that keep me motivated is my 91 year old grandma started writing a memoir randomly, doesn’t make a lot of sense when I’m reading it it’s really funny though I think God if you’re starting it now why am I stressing about having three months off writing when I’m 30?
Like give yourself a break the rest of my life to get this book finished and I’m writing this book for me I’m not writing it to make money and stuff so if I do that’s a bonus but yeah that was another thing that keeps me motivated – and the next thing was my actual job is with the NHS I’m a secretary for Gynaecology and one of the other things that keeps me motivated to get going on a day to day basis is watching my colleagues and other key workers around me such a good job in such a stressful time and not have an absolute meltdown because I only work 4 days a week, and let me tell you even though I’ve worked double that in the past and also had a stage in my life where I Where had three jobs at one time I really struggle even though I only work 28 hours, some days I will get up and I will literally hate the idea of going to work and it will drag, an isn’t it is nothing to do with my job my job is amazing the people I work with are absolutely lovely I get myself into this mindset where I think I could be doing a lot more other stuff that is productive white writing and need to crack on with that but it’s just about fitting it in and having a good time scale!
This is where the whole diary thing comes into place once we’ve got a diary I write my days down and plan what I’m doing like get up go to the gym go to work come home right for an hour go swimming go for a walk you know it’s all about the plans and you feel so much better when you get these things out we heard well I do anyway so having to plan really really helps!
Anyway these are just a few of my ideas I hope that you found some help in what I’ve said and if you have any further ideas or anything I’m really open and welcoming to the idea of you know all the suggestions cause I’m constantly looking for self-improvement and this is the time of going forward 2020 is being a bit of a wasted year but I’m not going to dwell on it !
England
The Crow Series 