Writing and the fear of judgment.

I have kept my writing anonymous – why you ask.

Because its stupid.

It’s not – I know this, but to my family, others around me, the easiness of pulling someone down for a pipe dream is all too real. I live in a place where it is not safe to be your honest authentic self without being judged and criticized. The writer would be seen as the eccentric weirdo that does strange things on the laptop instead of socializing and doing whatever they would deem “normal” for me to fit in.

Instead, I hide it – people ask what am I doing – I don’t mind admitting I’m gaming, I mean, I’ve grown up a gamer so that’s not all that odd to people that know me – but the few people I have told – I’ve seen their eyes slink downwards and that awkward pulled tight grin appear on their face going “oh no that’s great – wow what’s it about?” as they uncomfortably try to process that I just said “I am writing a book.”

People don’t know what to say do they? it’s like you’ve just said you have an imaginary friend. The heavy burden of judgment is always silently passed around, and this is why I am treating it like I have won the lottery – and trust me. I’m not sharing. With anyone.

I have told a very select few people about what I have been up to – the genuine ones I know who they are, have supported and helped me along the way, and the others, the few who have received it – not read it or given me some garbage about being busy, that’s fine – you aren’t taking me seriously. But like I said to the guy who shot me down when he messaged me (see negative feedback post from a few weeks back) I’ll keep going, silently, working my ass off – and when I do reap the fruit of my hard work and effort, you will hear me, and you will read my book.

It’s easy to forget the fact I have finished a book in itself is an achievement for me, its finished. My book is finished – its just being edited by me now, and even if It never gets published, and I only get 1 copy made, and I only give it out to people I know or strangers, this book is mine, and when it is finished I will be proud of myself, and I will tell people I am an author. but right now, I’m not ready – I will be though, one day.


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